Photo Courtesy of Elizabeth Lies…
There’s a big thing in our house about saying what we actually mean. As we all know, the English language works in many wonderful and mysterious ways and things we say can genuinely be taken in several different ways, which can potentially cause confusion, or at worst unnecessary upset. So, we thought while the kids are young it would be worth working against their natural tendencies to beat around the bush, because language and communication are complicated enough as it is.
You know how it is…Prime Example Number One Kid Style:
They sidle up to you with ‘that look’ on their face and get all cuddly and butter-wouldn’t-melt. You just know what’s coming….
‘Muuuuum?’
‘Yeeees?’
‘I’m hungry’
‘Would you like an apple?’
‘Not really’
‘How about a carrot or some nuts?’
‘Er…do we have anything else?’
‘A Munchie?’
…and so we go back and forth for a bit before they can’t take it any more and burst out with ‘can I have a sweet?’
Then there’s another one where they tell you they’re bored but what they really mean is they want to watch a film or play on the iPad: both very coveted electrical activities they get to do about three times a week. I’m not a big fan of either particularly, as I think boredom is absolutely vital to life. In our house that’s usually when the kids come up with their most wonderful and whacky ideas!
Now I appreciate all this beating around the bush stems from the kids anticipating the answer not going in their favour, but generally I think people prefer more honest communication don’t they? I know many of us adults struggle to say what we mean…to say no…to state our preferences or views on something. Sometimes we’re so concerned about not wanting to put the other person out, upset their feelings, or come across as being too dictatorial that at best we say nothing of any help at all and at worst, we actually make it harder and more frustrating for the other person while they try and second guess what we actually mean.
‘Where do you fancy going tonight?’
‘Do you think I could have phrased that better?’
‘Do you think my hair looks better longer or shorter?’
‘Does this style of top make me look frumpy?’
‘Was I being unreasonable?’
‘Do you fancy both our families renting a holiday villa together?
When I ask people their opinions on things, I genuinely want to hear an honest answer. I don’t want to hear what they think I want to hear. I genuinely need to know!
Now, there are absolutely ways of saying things but I find people are usually really cautious about how they answer questions, despite issuing big pregnant pauses and telltale body language! Dr. Albert Mehrabian, author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on nonverbal communication and writes that 55% of communication is body language, 38% is the tone of voice, and 7% is the actual words spoken. So actually, our bodies are doing quite a bit of the talking anyway! If our words are saying one thing while our bodies are saying another, it can be confusing and cause distrust in the validity of someone’s answer, which doesn’t help anyone.
Then there’s the whole issue of being able to speak up against someone asking you to do something you’re not happy with and in a calm and authoritative way. I want my kids to be able to stand up confidently if they’re not happy with a certain situation and not compromise their own boundaries for the sake of other people or fear of being judged. I don’t mean they should be insisting everyone does what they want to do and refuse to do things for the sake of others. I just want them to feel able to give their opinion or say ‘no’ without fear of the consequences.
At the grand old age of 44, I’m much more comfortable giving my opinion than I was when I was younger – I would drive people crazy with my inability to state a preference over something, when actually I was just trying to avoid saying ‘the wrong thing’ or appearing to put myself first. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments and there’s still plenty of room for improvement, but at least I’m on a better trajectory!
So, now we’ve tasked ourselves with the difficult job of trying to fill our kids with the confidence to say what they mean, while balancing it with a sensitive understanding and empathy with those around them. It’s a really difficult skill to master but at least we can all practice together with lovely soft fluffy questions about sweets and iPads, rather than those trickier ones that pop up in teenage years….
I’d love to hear what you do in your family, any advice you have or whether you think it’s particularly important for younger children to learn to say what they mean. Please leave a comment if you have time – I’d love to hear what you think!
Genuinely 😉
You may also like to see other posts on Parenting including:
Why Being An Imperfect Parent Is A Good Thing
When You Have Different Views On Safety
Hidden treasures In The Playground
For Kids Who Hate Maths
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I so agree sometimes we are all scared to say how we actually feel but it ends up doing more damage than good we get our selves into situations we don’t really want to be in and end up having a rubbish time – being more honest is always the best way but equally people need to learn to accept honesty in the same way if you know what I mean sometimes thats easier said than done! Thanks for linking up to #sundaystars
Yes yes I totally understand and agree with you. I think too that sometimes it’s easier to hear someone say ‘no’ they don’t want to do something, than it is to say it. x
Completely agree. I certainly never lived like this prior to meeting my wife but she has taught me the importance of honesty and we now all try and say exactly what we mean, (always in the nicest way possible too). It’s not always easy but so important and a great message to part on the children from the outset. Thanks for sharing this #bigfatlinky
I so agree. The British thing gets so well ingrained that it is hard to break. It is almost as if it is not polite to ask straight out, which is mad. for us, helping our kids understand their feelings is the most important building block to getting them to express themselves. Also we are very happy when they turn round and tell us they are not happy with us or feel unfairly treated. We praise that behaviour even if we disagree with the content. It is not always easy because we are surrounded by it. Great post. #sundaystars
You’re absolutely right Kirsten – I think our need to be PC gets in a muddle with our communication skills. You’ve worded it exactly right. Thank you!
I hate hearing “Muuuuuuum” but only because I know what’s about to happen and how long it will take to get down to what could have taken just a few minutes if M had just said what she wanted or thought in the first place. I’m guilty of going along with what everyone else wants and not figuring out what I really want/think or stating my preference if I know what it is and I have done and do (so as to be kind rather than cruel) modify my responses to questions based on what the person wants or needs to hear. It’s learning how to stand up for yourself and to be honest without coming off badly that I guess is difficult and to not worry so much about what someone may think or the potential consequences that you hesitate to do anything.
I’ve found this is something that is easier to do as you get older, maybe we should spend more time encouraging our kids to say what they mean. I’ve also found that those who find it most difficult to say what they mean also find it difficult to hear it straight from someone else. So, yes, it’s a tricky balance.
Yes I think you’re right – it does get easier as you get older. That’s a very interesting thought you’ve said there. I hadn’t thought about that before. How interesting! Thank you x
Well I reckon you know where I stand being an ‘honest mum’! Culturally, my family are originally Greek Cypriot, honesty is a big thing and sometimes there’s such a thing as too honest or at least the need to be sensitive and I get that. I am a straight talking, no bullshit kind of gal but I’m caring too and would never want to hurt anyone, it’s a tricky balance really but I want to hear honest views and I think my Mum always tells me the truth as it were, I want my own kids to rely on me in that way too, to love and nurture but also to be honest too and for them to be honest in what they do and say x
It really is a tricky balance to get it right as some people are far more sensitive than others too and some words can mean nothing to one person but really put another off balance. There are people I go to when I want an honest answer on something and I really appreciate it. x
Love this! I’m a call a spade a spade girl – my friends have learned not to ask me questions if they don’t want my honest opinion. For people who don’t me well I have been known to ask them “do you want the truth or what I think you want to hear?” It annoys me so much when I ask a question and can’t get a straight answer. If I ask, for example, “does this top look ok” it’s because I want to know if it doesn’t – not so you will pay me a false compliment. #SundayStars
Debbie
http://www.myrandommusings.blogspot.com
Absolutely – I completely agree. I’d rather someone told me I looked dire than walk around with everyone seeing me look dire! x
I think that’s a really good thing to install in our kids, to say what they mean, so long as they learn a bit of tact with it along the way! I am far too familiar with the ‘I’m hungry’ and ‘I’m bored’ methods of mum-bending! x #sundaystars
Thank you Julia and yes the tact vs honesty thing is so difficult sometimes! I personally prefer honesty if I’ve asked for it and tact if I haven’t….I think!