When we were growing up we lived in an old Vicarage (free with the job), with a spare room. Dad hates waste and couldn’t bear for it to go unused so they filled it. With people who needed a chance in life. They didn’t advertise and it was only open to people who’s history they knew well. I think I was about 8 years old so my sister must have been 5.
Our childhood was a bit unconventional at the best of times. I remember coming down for breakfast one morning as a teenager and there were 40 people in the kitchen having a ‘bring & share’ breakfast they’d forgotten to tell me about. At 7:30am! Or we’d just be eating tea together and someone would come in and announce they’d come for a cup of tea, or they’d just nod hello as they walked past the table to go and use our loo. The house operated as an open house for the village and people did (and do) just walk in to say hello. I think it’s amazing that Mum and Dad did that (Mum died 3 years ago) and it’s as a result of this I think that I genuinely love people, whoever they are. I love that feeling of bustliness when there are lots of people around. I do on the other hand protect my own home like a mother lion. I need space and lots of it.
Anyway – there was one particular event that had a huge impact on me (in a good way). I remember a big discussion at home. A friend of my Mum and Dad’s phoned up, desperate for their help. I was still in primary school at the time and then suddenly ‘Ann’ moved in. Ann was in her early 20s, a heroin addict and was going to go through cold turkey. In our spare room. She also turned out to have Hepatitis B, which we didn’t know about until later on in her visit.
I remember studying the face of this shell of a woman when she arrived. She didn’t even look like a real person to me. There was something about her eyes. They were dead and sluggish. She was dirty, her hair was matted, her hands swollen and yellow, stained with years of cigarette smoke. She was so thin. Her teeth were black and some were missing. She shook, she sweated, she didn’t talk, she shuffled. She couldn’t even stand up straight. She looked awful.
And then the vomiting, the screaming.
She swore and she threw things.
Then finally it was over and she left.
I remember the bed, the mattress, the wardrobe and everything else had to be burnt because of the hepatitis.
What an appalling thing to expose your young children too. Or was it? I don’t actually remember feeling traumatised by it at all. I remember thinking she was silly for getting in that state in the first place. Mum and Dad firmly believed in showing us life and hiding nothing. I think they were absolutely right in every way. A lady in the village hung herself. Naked. Outside her children’s bedroom window. Her husband had gone in to their bedroom when they woke and saw her hanging from a tree in their garden. He’d immediately phoned my dad and asked him to go down. When he got back I grilled him on what had happened and why. What did she look like? I needed to know every detail to help me understand what had actually occurred. It didn’t make sense to me. Oddly I don’t think it affected me as much as it would do if I heard it as an adult. I think kids are much more matter of fact and for the moment. Or maybe it was because I was particularly used to hearing news of how people had died, who found them and all the other gory details. I was certainly desensitised and I imagine that what you might think was dreadful for us was actually ‘just normal’.
It was the same with Ann – I grilled my parents on how she’d got in such a mess and why couldn’t she sort herself out. Why was she choosing to live like this? Well she was and she wasn’t. She was sick. So I asked them about that too. My parents made the most of my curiosity and told me everything they knew. I was also told (of course) that the trouble with drugs is you believe you’re invincible and this won’t happen to you. The best thing is not to start.
The images were so strong that I vowed there and then I wasn’t going to go down that road and I was SO terrified of inadvertently ending up in a life like Ann’s that no-one was going to have a hint of a chance of getting me to take anything. As I grew up every time there was a story in the news of a fatal overdose, my parents told me about it. They explained that my life would be hell: I’d have no money, I’d have to steal, I’d feel desperate all the time, I’d look awful…and I believed them because I’d seen it with my own eyes. I’m so pleased I had. It’s entirely possible that I might have ended up like Ann if I hadn’t. Who knows?
Job done.
So how have I approached talking to our kids about drugs? I’m doing the same – we’re not having heroin addicts going cold turkey in our house obviously, but I’m so telling them how it is. I’m giving them the worst case scenario and I’m being absolutely no holds barred with it. I don’t want there to be any wavering if they’re offered anything and if there is, it won’t be through any lack of information giving on my part.
The other side of the coin is – am I actually better to take a more lenient approach so if they do end up experimenting with drugs, they’ll they feel they can tell me about it? What do you think? I’d actually really appreciated hearing your views, so please do leave a comment if you have a mo.
If you think ‘Talking To Our Kids About Drugs’ might help others, please share it as much as you can. It’s such an awful waste of a life and as a Mum myself I don’t think I could cope seeing any of our children in the same state as Ann.
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Um… WOW! What remarkable parents. I like to believe I would be that accepting and supportive but, honestly, I don’t think I’m unselfish enough. I agree that it’s always better to be upfront with children (within reason, of course!) as they’re often more resilient and definitely less judgemental than adults. xx
Hi Jacqui, that’s true – I love the kids’ innocent ‘matter of fact take it as it is’ approach. I need to be more like that I think. It’s an ongoing process isn’t it?? xxx
Omg i was actually a bit traumatised to think of your parents bringing Anne into your home, but they sound like incredible and kind people. How did things turn out for her? But I also agree 100% that honesty and not flowering life up is key, kids must know consequences. And they are definitely more matter of fact about life xx
I think in some ways kids are more robust than adults because they (can) apply less to the situation and just take it as it comes. I spoke to my sister about this post and she doesn’t remember feeling traumatised either! Unfortunately Ann died a few years later but we’re not sure why. Her lovely Mum came to my Mum’s funeral 3 years ago but I didn’t get the chance to speak to her, which I would have really liked to have done.
A thought provoking and interesting post and it was great to read the comments from TheLazyHousewife too. Thanks for linking this up to #bigfatlinky
As an ex drug counsellor, I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts on how to handle the subject. In my experience, most problematic drug users, use drugs as a coping mechanism as they have not learned effective and healthy ways of dealing with problems. By having open communication and an honesty policy with your children they will have a way to channel and discuss their problems without having to resort to coping mechanisms outside the home. I remember my Dad telling me that whatever I did in life, good or bad, he would always support me, as long as I was always honest with him (my Mother was slightly more judgemental), and even now I can talk to my Dad about anything.
Thank you so much for your lovely and very informative comment and I really value your view. I so wish the kids will feel they can talk to me about anything as they grow up – I must make sure I’m approachable and as you say, non judgemental. Something to work on! Your Dad sounds very lovely and wise by the way.
Wow. My first thought was, “Wow, your parents really exposed you to that?!?” My immediate second thought was, “Wow, your parents are brilliant!!” Very eye opening post and i thoroughly enjoyed reading it.#brilliantblogposts
Thanks Casey and yes their parenting approach was rather unusual I guess but I do feel quite robust as a result!
This is a great post. My mum is also a very accepting and loving person and operated an open house policy. She never judges anyone and cares deeply for the vulnerable. We never had a drug addict live with us but she invited and befriended many of society’s outcasts. My father, brother and I always loved this about my mum and it taught us a lot about people and how to love and care for them no matter what their situation. For me, I think honesty is the best policy with kids and as you said not to sugar coating anything. Kids are so wise and understand a lot more than we give them credit for. My girls are too young at the moment, but I’d like to give them fact about all drugs. I remember having a conversation with my father about drugs when I was 14 . My father was extremely anti-drugs and had no sympathy for drug addicts, but did feel sorry for people who were addicted to prescription drugs as they were ill. I remember at the young age not understanding the difference and voicing this opinion. My father, understandably, got quite upset (probably thinking his beloved daughter was going to become a drug addict). He warned me the dangers of drug addiction and gave me the worst case scenario (it was his fear talking of course) rather than a balanced point of view. I went on to become a pharmacist and still believe what I believed then as a child…..an addiction is an addiction to any type of drug. Interesting so does my father. You probably become addicted to drugs (any type alcohol included) if you’re self medicating for pain, either emotional or physical, You’re compensating for something missing in your life or something you’re not willing to face. Of course, there is the physical addiction too so probably better never to start in first place. Heroin addiction is pretty nasty but then so is alcohol. But many do experiment with certain drugs without ever becoming addicted. It is probably one of my worst fears for my girls as I’ve seen addictions of many types in my career (drugs, alcohol, cigarettes) and in my extended family (alcohol) but also seen many do drugs recreationally and not get addicted. Although it is a big fear I’d like to give them a balanced opinion and present them with facts. I’d like them to be able to come to me about anything and feel they can openly discuss any taboo subjects. I was quite outspoken as a child so alway voiced my opinion, but I know my dad didn’t always like them and then used to give me extreme examples to put me off. My mother, however, was alway much more balanced. But I guess the most important thing was I know they trusted me and they had been exceptional role models so I followed their examples. I also knew I could go to them about anything and they still would love and accept me. I hope to do the same with my daughters whilst trying not to be as extreme as my dad could be by trying not to let the fear take over…….but lets see……who knows how I’ll react to a teenage version of me!!!
Hi Nisha, thank you so much for your very thought provoking comments. How interesting that you’ve had a similar upbringing with a similar response to it and yes I agree – kids are so wise and do understand more than we give them credit for. I’m concerned I might end up being like your Dad in terms of the fear talking, so I must work on that. My thought would be that if they started with ‘safe’ drugs that might/would pave the way for them to explore further, which would make me really nervous. The thing is we can only give them information and then at some point we have to trust them and make absolutely sure they can come to us even if they suspect we may have a different opinion. We shouldn’t expect them to respect ours if we don’t respect theirs, whatever they may be. Thank again. Emily x
Great post! And another important one! I think it was great that your parents did that. You got to have an experience of drugs and a habit first hand without the danger of doing it yourself. I can see the impact that would have had.
I have thought about the drugs talk but haven’t done it yet. I’m waiting one more year with the boys until I do. Like all the topics we discuss it’s important to talk young and let them build upon it. Not to suddenly be exposed and then not know how to cope. Thanks for linking up with us on the #bigfatlinky
Thank you for your lovely comment Martyn and yes there’s a certain amount of pre-empting in this parenting business isn’t there??
Agree, information is power and giving our children an education on drugs when we deem they are old enough is vital in prevention. Thanks for linking up to #brilliantblogposts
I agree. It’s so important to make sure they’re as informed as possible I think. x
You have/had amazing parents, helping the poor lady like that is just incredible, you should, rightly, be proud.
As for the drug talk, we recently (Feb) ended up having the drug talk with our youngest two (11 and 5) after my partner found an man who had overdosed in the toilet block by Margate beach in Kent (she has medical training so did what she could while I waited with the kids). Fortunately they didn’t see the horror but were close enough and rather than lie and try to sugar coat things we felt that moment let us honestly discuss things (also with the hope that the thought of ending up lying dying in a toilet might put them off a little).
I would absolutely have done the same thing as you. I think the tendency is to think ‘well it just won’t happen / they won’t be in that position’… I’m all about the risk benefit ratio….very shocking for your partner though. Was she ok?
She was fine she’s worked in various NHS roles from healthcare professional to manager so she just slipped into work mode and got things like an ambulance sorted and did what she could. Sadly she doesn’t think the poor chap would have lived, but we don’t know for sure.
Well he obviously would have had no chance if she hadn’t have helped. At least if he didn’t make it he would have had other people by his side and I think that’s a big thing. Thank you for coming back x
I love this post. I remember my mum talking to us about drugs and saying that if we got caught up in them she would report us. I don’t know if she would have because we didn’t but it was enough to scare me into not taking them. With my boys I will talk to them as appropriate but I do know it is a harsh world out there.
Love your blog and glad I have found it.
Natalie
Thank you so much for your lovely comments :). I think we need to get in there and make our mark before the kids are old enough to poo poo what we say! Please do come and join us over to facebook too 🙂
Your tittle drew me straight in to read this post as it is a topic I have not covered with my kids yet. I really don’t know the answer to your question about which way to go, hardcore against or a cooler approach so they can share with you. My feeling is that I would go pretty strongly against (your idea of using images is a great one) but generally let them know in life that if they make a mistake that I will be there for them. Thanks for this thought provoking post #brilliantblogposts
Hi Kirsten – yes I think you’re right to say that and we should always make them believe that they have our unconditional love. Parenting is a tough job isn’t it?? Thank you x
Wow, an addict detoxing in your house is a pretty hardcore way to turn your kids off drugs. I think as long as you can maintain an open conversation, you should be OK. I intend to discuss the worst case but also why people do it, in hope that the positive stories from friends won’t lure my kid in. I remember my mum showing me an article in the paper about a young, local teen who died taking ecstasy. She mentioned how sad her parents must be to lose their child over something so stupid. It stuck with me and I never meddled in manufactured drugs as a direct result.
#brilliantblogposts
Actually you’ve just reminded me about an article I read a while ago about kids with higher self esteems and good communication skills are less likely to get into drugs in the first place…very interesting. You make a good point too – whether all the positive stories they’ll inevitably hear will seem more probably than our negative ones. Thank you so much for your thoughts. x
In the 80s we were all told such terrible stories constantly to make us fear the scourge of crack. I doesn’t seem like there is the same level of fear today about heroin
Hi Jeremy, yes there was wasn’t there? Is it just that we’re now the ones responsible for creating the fear or people just aren’t talking about it so much?