Photo courtesy of Jake Bellucci
As far as I know, it’s now absolutely the norm for children to celebrate their birthday by taking cakes or biscuits into school for all their class-mates. We never had this when I was at primary school back in 1903 but it seems to be the done thing these days. As one of the senior members of staff at our school said in a ‘meet the teacher’ class meeting today, ‘it’s absolutely fine to bring cakes in. Children love to celebrate birthdays with cakes, as do I!’ A ripple of laughter went round the class but my heart felt heavy. She talked about being sensitive to children with allergies and to ensure there are no nuts. She asked that parents give a list of ingredients to the teacher for other parents to look through if needs be.
But she doesn’t have to look into my young son’s eyes.
She doesn’t notice the light shine in his eyes as his friends sing Happy Birthday and he spots a tray full of deliciousness: chocolate, sprinkles, icing, sweets, cake, glorious cake and then how that light goes out again when he’s told it’s not for him. That he’s different to all the other children. Another thing I assume everyone is attributing to the fact he has Down Syndrome.
Our gorgeous young four-year old son has food intolerances just like his mother, just like one of his siblings and just like his Aunt. The list of foods he needs to avoid is awkward: gluten, dairy & soya & egg. Birthday parties aren’t a problem at all. With warning I can rustle up cakes that look absolutely extraordinary amazing. Nothing I can supply the teacher to have on hand that’s semi-individually wrapped ‘in case a parent brings in birthday cake’ is going to be a patch on what he has to watch the other children having. Of the long-life options that can live in a drawer and we whisked out with no notice, we’re looking at something like this:
‘Don’t worry,’ his teacher assured me. ‘We’re used to this, we’ll just make sure the children take the cake home rather than eat it in the classroom.’
In the first five days of ‘big school’ there were three birthdays, one of which was the assistant teacher’s. On these three days, when I went to pick him up I found him sitting on a bench with all the other children and his teacher, who had a tray full of gorgeous looking cupcakes on her lap. In one corner there was a little pack of these very plain biscuits for our sweet boy.
So now he’s different because he can’t eat ANYTHING his friends bring into school to share. I know he’s not the only one and I know children learn and accept but to look at my tiny boy, who’s already different because he has Down Syndrome, in this new setting, which is already a huge emotional milestone (ok, for me) and immediately see him in this ‘situation,’ hurt like crazy.
If anyone has a solution to this I’m all ears, because I find it utterly heart breaking.
I know it’s only me in his class that feels this way and I know it’s only parents of children in this situation, but I would so love for schools to just say no to anything and if they must, go for fresh fruit. I know there are trillions of parents who get stressed about the whole taking birthday cakes in plus it would be in line with the national move towards healthy eating too. They’d certainly be doing them a favour. You can still go mad and have fun if you want to. I don’t know if it’s just our kids but all six of their eyes would go as wide as saucers for any of these…and if they didn’t – at least they’d be turning it down because they didn’t want it, rather than because someone’s told them they can’t have it, even though everyone else in their class can…
The trouble is, birthdays usually end up in clumps. 30 kids + teachers + teaching assistants and you end up with very cake heavy periods, which to our boy and other children who have food allergies or intolerances = you are different, you can’t have.
Is it worth changing the whole birthday cake policy for one child in the classroom? We’re back to the Cost:Benefit ratio…I think it is. Even if it wasn’t my child in this situation, I would still think it is. Or is it just a life lesson our kids with food intolerances just need to learn? The trouble is you see, it’s not really about the cake itself but how the cake makes them feel. I remember feelings counting a huge amount when I was a child.
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It’s hard to know what to do for the best. The Tubblet’s school didn’t allow cakes and directed the parents towards fruit, a mixture of sweets or or a small gift. After a while, we got to know who was in the class and what they couldn’t eat so we could avoid it entirely OR ask the parent what would be a good substitute so the child didn’t feel they were missing out. As you say, being the only one denied the chocolate cake is grim.
I couldn’t see why there was this expectation that you had to provide a “birthday gift for the class” as we didn’t do it when I was at school. But at least our school didn’t insist that all children had to be invited to parties like a few of the local schools did. Parties are expensive enough! #fartsglitter
As a teacher I’ve had a few instances of this and it is horrid for the kid being left out. I never thought of the creative fruit. What a cute and fun idea. Will definitely suggest it if this issue crops up again. Thanks so much for linking up to #fartglitter x
I think it would actually be easier to not bring in anything at all, then it removes all the stress for everyone! Our local school thought the ‘bring a book from a charity shop for the class’ was a great idea and they suggested it in their newsletter… I wonder if anyone will go for it!
What! Never heard this before, oh. I can’t wait till my so starts school!
But great ideas with the fruit and so fun and easy to do. Thank you for sharing X
Well amazingly the school has put in their newsletter that perhaps parents could bring in a book for the class, bought from a charity shop or one they don’t need any more, instead of cakes!
I feel so blessed that my kids don”t have any problems with food, parenting is hard enough! 🙂
On one hand it IS a shame that kids have to miss out due to allergies of one or two, but on the other hand (Like with nuts on airplanes) it safer and common sense just to find a suitable alternative for all kids.
My kids would be just as happy with a small toy/book/fruit. Doesn’t have to be food!
L
#BrilliantBlogPosts
You’re absolutely right and food can be so emotive for all sorts of reasons. Thank you for your empathy on the situation!!
That is such an important thing to consider and as a teacher I will pass this on. Sorry he has to go through so many difficult situations like this but thanks for sharing it 🙂
Thanks Al. I know we’re not alone and food can be such an emotive subject. There are situations we can’t avoid so to reduce the number of those where possible would be amazing.
Perhaps you could take in one of your fruit creations (which I love by the way!) on your son’s birthday and hope some of the other parents follow suit. I think if you tried to get brining in cake banned, it could have bad consequences for your son. It wouldn’t take long for the other kids to discover why they were no longer allowed cakes and kids can be cruel. I’m saying that will happen, but just something to think about as a possibility. #brillblogposts
Debbie
2 years ago our head put a ban on cakes & sweets for birthdays – and suggested that families could donate a book to their class library if they wanted. Both my children have chosen to do this – the book is wrapped as a present, and read to the class by the teacher at the end of the day.
I absolutely LOVE this idea. Thank you so much for sharing this!!!!
As a preschool teacher we have many birthdays. Some cakes and heavy frosted cupcakes were brought in, I found the children licking off the frosting and “dye” and then throwing away the cake. Our solution: we celebrated making homemade waffles, I have an iron that makes them oval and like sticks. Yes, the syrup is sweet, some prefer no dipping at all. When there are several children birthdays in one month, we may switch to a homemade muffin. I stopped the cupcakes and cakes and could not be happier. We also suggest for parents, we can use cheese and crackers or fruit.
That’s so lovely that you’ve thought about it and kids really do love dipping things!! My son could only eat the fruit at your preschool though 🙁
We have a no cake policy at my school. Zilch, nada, zero. We have one child with a nut allergy and a few lactose intolerant children. We have 480 children in our Junior school – not sure of the size your son goes to – but they must have some children?
It was a whole school decision too. Nobody moans. Some parents have a sigh of relief. It’s just accepted that’s how it is.
Staff can’t bring in any homemade cakes for other staff members unless they have a full list of ingredients either.
I LOVE the fruit creations.
Perhaps it would be worth researching (not very ‘healthy schools’ either) and presenting to the school. I know you have a lot to do right now but maybe when you’re back to a normal speed, might be worth a try.
That’s such a good idea Shaz – do you know who instigated the whole school decision? I know that if I say something it’s unlikely to be well received but I am certainly considering it. There are other children with allergies / intolerances too, so I might start by chatting to their parents about it. It might be just me that struggles! The fruit creations are really lovely aren’t they? I’d love any of them myself! I know generally speaking parents stress when it’s their turn to bring something in so I’m sure a fair few would be relieved!
Sorry I didn’t see your reply until now.
It was a discussion during SLT when the child with a nut allergy started at our school but did include parents and the children.
I think your best attack – or should I say approach 🙂 would be to talk to other parents. Do the school have a forum where parents can have their say? or share their questions? A Facebook group? You could poll them if you had this type of thing (and would reach a larger group I imagine). What about a PTA? Could you find others schools with a no nut policy (which you probably know includes a lot of foods as they’re prepared in the same area) and use that as weight for your proposition?
Good luck (and don’t give up).
Shaz
ps hope Saturday night went well!
I have never taken cupcakes into my girls’ school for her friends as I usually host a party for them, so they get cake there!
Can I just say – those other foods are fantastic ideas! May have to do a few with the girls.
They look fab don’t they?? Do other parents take cakes in and do parents generally feel pressure to take cakes? I agree – cake at parties is great (and gives me warning!).
It is very hard for children to feel different even for little things like this. I know the feeling and could not empathise more. In our school, no birthday cake no fruit no biscuits, nothing at all is allowed. The teachers make a birthday badge for the birthday child in the class and the class sing. That’s it. Apart from that, it is a private party.
Thank you Rajni, your school sounds like they’ve thought things through really well. I love the idea of a birthday badge!
M y daughter is Gluten and dairy free. I make up cup cakes and keep them in the freezer at school, to be pulled out when others bring in cake on their birthday. I try to make them fancy to compete with what is on offer.
As a coeliac I face this as an adult and I know how I feel. These days I think they should just stop children bringing birthday cakes into school. It puts pressure on food challenges and on purse strings. Have a birthday party if you want to share cake or find a more inclusive way of celebrating like all the children sing happy birthday and the birthday child wears a birthday banner then everyone gets the same.
I agree – I think giving the birthday child special attention is a really lovely thing to do. There is a huge pressure at our school to bring cakes in and I can’t think of a single parent that I know who enjoys it. They do it out of duty. It’s such a shame. Plus the attention is then on the cake and not the birthday girl or boy.
This is a lovely post. I totally understand. We don’t have food tolerances, but my heart drops every time one of my children comes out clutching a bag of sweets as its so-and-so’s birthday. We don’t do sweets, yet they are handed out as prizes in school. Worst moment was when Middle came back wih a big tin full of sweets that she had won. Groan.
It sounds like you have a sensitive teacher. As they get into the higher classes, the cakes do appear less. Bags of sweets more. I don’t have a solution. I wish I did.
I think food is / can be such an emotive subject that I personally think it would be better for all if they minimised / abolished the parents bringing in food ‘thing.’ Thank you so much for commenting x
It is a tricky one. There is a child in my son’s class who has severe allergies to many things and I always feel for him at birthday celebrations. My kids now take in tiny pots of honey for their friends when it is their birthday. So far this hasn’t been an issue…
That’s such a lovely idea Helen. It’s very thoughtful of you and I bet the children love it.