Feature Photo by Jordan Sanchez, Courtesy of Unsplash
I was in a sports shop with our 8 year old daughter waiting for the ‘nice shoe lady’ to bring us some trainers in her size, when I noticed another couple also waiting for her to return with some football boots for their son. When it became apparent ‘the nice shoe lady’ had been devoured by a giant delivery of odour eaters in the store-room, the Dad started to get a bit fidgety. ‘Don’t teach him impatience!’ muttered his wife.
This set me off on one of my trains of thought….
Kids DO watch us and learn how to behave from us but they also learn who we are as people. My wise and slightly quirky dad calls it ‘being socialised’.
He says this is a good thing.
Kids notice everything from the words we say, how we react to things and how we respond to people around us. From that they not only learn about how to behave themselves, but they also learn who we all are as people and that we’re just like them…fallible and (most definitely in my case) with limitations.
So, in the case of this couple – the boy’s observing his dad’s impatience, his Mum scolding his Dad, his Dad’s response to that and it’s all sinking in….is that bad? Do different parenting styles matter? Should the Dad not let on that he’s impatient? Should the Mum not criticise the Dad in front of their son?
Maybe, maybe not – everyone will have a different view on this and on what counts as being an imperfect parent. People will always do something differently to us and when you’re co-parenting, these differences can seem very important.
But…
Everything our kids observe gives them the chance to decide which traits they do and don’t warm to in other people’s characters and, over time, decide which ones are deal breakers for them in relationships with friends and future partners.
Now I’m not saying we should consciously expose them to the rubbish behaviour we all exhibit from time to time, but I think it’s absolutely ok to get it wrong some times. So, if one parent does everything at 100 mph and finds going at snail’s pace frustrating (like me), then yes we should strive to reign it in, for everyone’s sake, but when we inevitably fall short from time to time, I don’t think we should beat ourselves up about it.
If all our kids see is a world of cotton wool and loveliness, once they hit the real world with real people in it, they’re either going to be in denial, or be completely thrown by it. Our children will come across so many people in their lives and part of our job as parents is to prepare and socialise them for life: to life-proof them. We all have our ‘funny things’. I think it’s essential that our kids learn early on that people ARE very different, some things matter a lot to some people, which we should respect and that some things are just unacceptable. Our kids need the skills to decipher antisocial, unhealthy or destructive behavior from ‘normal human quirkiness’…
Which is so invaluable for relationships later on in life?
I always think that seeing a parent fail (within reason of course) and then seeing how everyone sorts themselves out afterwards is also teaching our kids about unconditional love and makes them feel safer knowing that we ALL make mistakes, that it’s not the end of the world and that we’re all still loved. That critically, their own bad behavior doesn’t make them unloveable.
Yes I think we as parents should absolutely aim to provide the best possible care we can, be a united front in front of the kids and make the home as emotionally safe a place as possible but I also think it’s completely ok to be an imperfect parent.
Ooh sorry, that was a bit deep wasn’t it?!
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This is one of my biggest worries actually. I worry that my flaws will become their flaws. But that being said I don’t hide them. I have them and then show how I overcome them. Then even if the exhibit those traits I know they’ll have good ones built in too. Great post. Thanks for linking up with us on the #bigfatlinky hope to see you there this week
I think we all have a bit of most of the flaws that exist don’t we? I agree with you about adding good habits into all our tool kits and this is why I think it’s such a good idea to make sure our kids have lots of socialising. To give them lots of chances to observe and to practise themselves!
Excellent post and point! I often try hard to be perfect, but often fail! I definitely think it’s ok to have flaws and agree with Emma’sMamma above that the mum could have rephrased the question. 🙂 x
Thank you Jenny and perfection just isn’t going to happen is it?? There’s no point having Mummy guilt either, though that doesn’t stop it 🙂
I agree. If we could pretend to be perfect they would learn that they had to be. Making mistakes and recovering. Getting angry and apologising where necessary are all parts of life, skills our kids will need. Great post. I will put it on my FB page The Guilt Free Guide To Motherhood.
Oh thank you Kirsten, that’s really kind of you. I’ll pop over again later 🙂
I think it’s so important that children are exposed to our flaws, how else are we teach them that it’s okay to be different, to go against the grain and just be themselves if we only show them “perfect”?
I’m such an imperfect parent, I couldn’t be any other way.
I’m exactly the same as you Amanda! Yes that’s a very good point – being non conformist can absolutely be the right thing.
Very interesting post! I see nothing wrong in letting children see us and our ‘flaws’ or rather our personalities. In my mind the problem was the mum. The boy will remember her criticism, and that his father isn’t ‘good enough’ for his mum so will the boy ever be good enough? She should have said something like honey, don’t stress we’re not in a rush, she’s probably can’t find the shoes’ or something like that. Anyway, I totally agree with you! #brilliantblogposts
Emma that’s such a better way to phrase it – you’re obviously good at this!
I was raised by two ‘perfect’ parents and it meant it took me a long time to realise that I have to work hard in areas I might be lacking. I also felt a lot of shame for my bad traits. I always felt that what to learn from this was that I should be honest about my shortcomings with my children (and I hope I will be) however I love this example of a spouse pulling up their partner. Children have a very strong sense of fairness so I think if they see parents being ‘told off’ in a respectful way they might accept it more readily themselves. Thanks for this!
That’s so true about children having a strong sense of fairness and yes I can understand the shame regarding ones own bad traits. What I thought was funny about this couple in the shoe shop was she was telling her husband not to teach him impatience and he could have batted back with ‘don’t teach him to criticise me’ – I think when it comes down to it, we really are all ‘as bad’ as each other and all we can do is try to be the best we can!